I am OKAY

I know you think it is a sad new start but it might be therapeuthic for me. I've been thinking about this post for weeks but every time ending up procastinating. Here I am now ready to face what I've been avoiding for 3 weeks. Well let's get started !!

Everything started two months ago when I experienced the saddest moment of my life : loosing a family member. I have to be honest with you, I wasn't ready. I had no idea about how to react, what to feel, how would be my life, my family without her. I was afraid, afraid to realise that we would be a team of 3 instead of 4, to see the pain in the eyes of the rest of us, afraid to create new habits without her and specially afraid to forget all those memories.

After being afraid, I went through a period of incomprehension and questioning. What did we do to deserve such a pain? Are we going to make it? Is the pain going to stop? How long? Why her? why our family? How could we avoid that tragedy? I felt useless.

I struggled emotionally more than I can ever express. I had this test of bitterness, we had so much more things to accomplish, memories to create. I felt lost but somehow, I made it. The pain is still here but I am learning how to live with that, how to continue my life, how to make this every day blessing worth. For her, I am trying to be strong and happy because that's the way she loved her old sister, her « Yaya » as we say in Congo. Her absence inspires me so much for the future. It gave me another perspective of life, of relationship with people and so on. I pay attention to the messages she send to me so we can keep this relationship we had. I will always be thankful to have been able to be her sister although it was short.I will forever be thankful for my relationship with God cause it helped me to understand so much things and to deal with my pain. Spending time with him made me understand that his plans are always the best, there is nothing better than his friendship and I am glad to know that my sister is with him now, happy and in peace. To those who still have all their siblings please be kind, try to fully live every single moment, enjoy it, make the day of people you love better. My family and I have absolutely no regrets, my sister received unconditional love and affection. If you are going through almost the same situation, I would like to tell you that everything will be better with time. Accept the fact that some wounds never fully heal, stick to the memories, good moments and be thankful you had the grace to meet such a good person in your life. Right now we have a angel taking care of us.

Today would be the birthday of mine and I would like to dedicate this post to her : TO THE MOON AND BACK baby.

Bisous bisous,

Gabriella.